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“Improving education in America by spending more money is like improving driving skill by driving a nicer car.” -Mei Cui

It’s nice to be important, but it’s also important to be nice.

Coughee: The person upon whom one coughs.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of dumb ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day without coffee.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

“I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.” -Groucho Marx

I sometimes applaud a great performance and other times the performance’s conclusion.

On TV we are entertained by war-making and shocked by love making.

Rome wasn’t sacked in a day.

What goes up must come down.

You can’t push with a string.

“No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.” -Groucho Marx

Tough times don’t last. Tough people do.

I hope to develop a photographic memory.

An anagram of ‘listen’ is ‘silent’.

Drink triple, see double, act single.

Relativity: The fact that anybody driving slower than you is incompetent and anybody driving faster than you is a maniac.

I have the body of a god… Budda

Everybody is in shape, considering that round is a shape.

I hope to die in my sleep, like my grandfather, rather than screaming in fear, like his passengers.

Love is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” -George Burns

Sunshine is the best disinfectant

Diamond is coal under pressure

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy writing blogs.

Why don’t congressmen who vote to raise taxes make voluntary overpayments on their own tax returns?

There are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters and blogs are nothing like Shakespeare.

Mechanical engineers design weapons. Civil engineers design targets.

To an optimist the glass is half full. To a pessimist it is half empty. To an engineer it is twice as large as necessary.

You know what seems odd to me? Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.

New prime number found: four times as large as the previous record

Applause: An epidemic of the clap.

One who asks is a fool for a moment. One who does not remains a fool forever

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.

Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Bachelor: A man who never makes the same mistake once.

Love is a matter of chemistry but sex is a matter of physics.

“Physics is to math what sex is to masturbation.” -Richard P. Feynman

If pornography arouses sexual desires, why isn’t perfume banned?

A bird in the bush is worth two in the hand.

The hypothalamus controls the four Fs: fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating.

“One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.” -Jane Austen

Love conquers all, except poverty and disease.

Never let a kiss fool you, and never let a fool kiss you.

Censorship reflects a society’s lack of confidence in itself.

I love animals. They’re delicious.

People are more opposed to fur than leather because rich ladies are easier to harass than bikers.

At a restaurant I ordered a chicken and an egg to see which came first.

Ham and eggs: A day’s work for the hen, a lifetime commitment for the pig

“Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” -Winston Churchill

In wine is wisdom, in beer is strength, in water is bacteria.

I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.

Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet

I am nobody and nobody is perfect.

If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off

Why do we choose from just two people for President but fifty for Miss America?

If a deaf person has to go to court is it still called a hearing?

Why do people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up every two hours?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.

“A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.” -H. L. Mencken

“Democracy is the worship of jackals by jackasses.” -H. L. Mencken

“Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.” -H. L. Mencken

The plan is simple, like my brother-in-law Larry. But unlike Larry, the plan might work.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

In order to avoid being called a flirt she always yields easily.

I have the attention span of a lightning bolt.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Redundant Firefighters Fight Firings

I put the “sexy” in dyslexia.

The doctor discovered what’s wrong with my brain: On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side there is nothing left

Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one

Minds are like parachutes – they only function when open.

Common sense is not so common.

There are three types of people, those who can count and those who can’t.

Never cut what you can untie.

Only the mediocre are always at their best

You must lose a fly to catch a trout

The world is full of givers and takers; the takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better

How is a raven like a writing desk?

I worked for Victoria’s Secret until they gave me a pink slip.

I studied to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn’t in it.

I used to be a lumberjack, but then I got the axe.

Psychologist: One who pulls habits out of rats.

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Archeologist: One whose career lies in ruins.

Every plumber knows that a royal flush beats a full house.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

A closed mouth gathers no feet

Filthy, Stinking, Rich – Two out of three isn’t bad

If you can read this thank a teacher

I’m a born again reincarnationist

If you use a ray gun you will go to prism

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left

Why was I born with such contemporaries?

I plead contemporary insanity

Adults are just kids who owe money

cubicle: a padded cell without a door

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” -Oscar Wilde

“I never forget a face but in your case I’ll make an exception.” -Groucho Marx

He has delusions of adequacy.

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” -Ernest Hemingway

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.

He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty.

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” -Winston Churchill

I am a self-made man and worship my creator

“Propaganda is to democracy what violence is to totalitarianism.” -Noam Chomsky

Rulers find religion as useful as the proletariate find it important.

Fighting crime by building more jails is like fighting cancer by building more cemeteries

None are more enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free

“Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.” -H.L. Mencken

The plural of the word anecdote is not data.

“The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.” -Anatole France, 1894

“Who controls the past controls the future; who controls the present controls the past.” -George Orwell

“The obscure we always see sooner or later; the obvious always seems to take a little longer.” -Edward R. Murrow

“It is better to be looked over than overlooked” -Mae West

Dyslexics of the world untie

Smile. It’s the second best thing that you can do with your lips.

Rehab is for quitters

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Night falls, but day breaks.

There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t

Price is what you pay, value is what you get

To teach is to learn twice

Wisdom is like a river. The deeper it is the less noise it makes.

ces cerises sont si sures qu’on ne sait si c’en sont

un chasseur sachant chasser sait chasser sans son chien

Ma maman m’aime

If you’ve seen one row of franchised specialty stores, you’ve seen the mall.

Why is it that when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible?

Why do you fill out a form by filling it in?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads are neither sweet nor bread, they are meat.

English muffins weren’t invented in England nor were french fries invented in France.

Why is there no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and neither apple nor pine in pineapple?

It is impossible to move your right foot in clockwise circles while writing the number 6 with your right hand.

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.” -Albert Einstein

“Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.” -Gerald Ford

We don’t discriminate. We simply exclude certain types.

“It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system!” -Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

“I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them.” -George Bush

You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Hypochondria is the only disease that I don’t have.

“Don’t let gravity get you down.” -Albert Einstein

Friction is such a drag.

Do not phrase statements in the negative.

They took the word gullible out of the dictionary.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

As I said, I never repeat myself.

An unemployed jester is no one’s fool.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

If you were to spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the entire Sahara Desert.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

All generalizations are incorrect.

The farmer allows you to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee

Hospitals Sued by Seven Foot Doctors

Man Found Dead In Cemetery

Study Reveals Those Without Insurance Die More Often

After Detour To California Shuttle Returns To Earth

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

If you think talk is cheap try hiring a lawyer.

A.A.A.A.A. – An organization to stop drunk driving.

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

I’m planning on being spontaneous next week.

Clones are people two.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.

Anything is possible for those who don’t have to do it.

We do precision guesswork.

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Recursive Definition: See Recursive Definition

Eschew obfuscation.

As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools.

Cole’s law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

Originality is the art of judicious plagiarism.

The buck doesn’t even slow down here.

Why do they call them fingers? I’ve never seen them fing.

Why do we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?

Why isn’t monosyllabic?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

The word ‘verb’ is a noun.

“The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.” -Bertrand Russell

It’s better to remain silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Man is the master of his silences, and the slave of his words.

If your nose runs and your feet smell then you were built upside down.

“I’m proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money.” -Arthur Godfrey

“The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.” -Henry Kissinger

“Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window.” -Steve Wozniak

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

“True friends stab you in the front.” -Oscar Wilde

“Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.” -Gore Vidal

“Nobody goes there anymore; it’s too crowded.” -Groucho Marx

A recession is what takes the wind out of your sales.

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” -Groucho Marx

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects

I used to be indecisive but now I’m not sure.

“The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.” -Paul Dean

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I’d kill for a Nobel peace prize.

What is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right.

Time heals all wounds but eventually kills all its patients.

Time may be a great healer but it’s a lousy beautician.

The most common first name in the world is Mohammed. The most common last name is Chang. Oddly, the name Mohammed Chang is quite rare.

You’re unique, just like everyone else.

Why do doctors call their work ‘practice’?

Guinea pigs are not pigs and they do not come from Guinea?

Why does quicksand work slowly?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is the third hand on a clock called the second hand?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Census figures show that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

aibohphobia – The fear of palindromes.

Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.

I am a closet claustrophobic.

To eat road kill, crows must have a ravenous appetite.

What’s another word for `thesaurus`? How about another word for ‘synonym’?

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Farmer Bill Dies in House

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why is nothing in the store free yet?

Those who are late are jollier than those who have to wait.

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321

The longest English word that can be typed using only the right hand is “polyphony”.

The longest English word containing only one vowel is “strengths”.

The shortest English words containing all vowels in order is 11 letters, “facetiously”.

The shortest English words containing all vowels in order is 8 letters, “caesious”.

The shortest English words containing each vowel once is 7 letters, such as in “sequoia”.

The most double letters in an English word is 4, such as in “possessionlessness”.

Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? A: I don’t know and I don’t care.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

If clergymen are defrocked and immigrants deported, doesn’t it follow that electricians are delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, dry cleaners depressed, programmers decoded, teachers degraded, and politicians devoted?

“I do.” is the shortest sentence in the English language, perhaps also the longest.

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

If one who cycles is a cyclist what is one who races?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts” and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go?

If a pig loses its voice, has it become disgruntled?

Isn’t a smoking section in a restaurant like a peeing section in a pool?

The English word with the most consecutive double letters is 3 such as in “bookkeeper”.

The most consecutive vowels in an English word is 4, such as in “queued”. The most consecutive consonants in an English word is 6, such as in “catchphrase”.

“Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”

There are more chickens than people in the world.

A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

The dedicated weatherman, after breaking both arms and both legs, called from the hospital to report on the four casts.

To predict weather in Seattle: If you cannot see Mt Ranier, it already is raining. If you can see Mt Ranier, it’s going to rain.

“If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.” -Mario Andretti

Knowledge is what you get when you read the manual. Experience is what you get when you don’t.

I eat with chopsticks about as well as I knit with a fork.

Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question… or is it?

“God is Dead” -Nietzsche “Nietzsche is Dead” -God “Nietzsche is God” -The Dead

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

“It’s not Camelot, but it’s not Cleveland either.” -Kevin White, mayor of Boston

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

“There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.” -Disraeli

A Unix saleslady, Lenore, Likes work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore.

“Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.” -Ronald Reagan

“There’s so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.” -Lily Tomlin

War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.

One who runs in front of a car gets tired. One who runs behind a car gets exhausted.

Sign posted in a men’s room: We aim to please. You aim too, please.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I used to work at the orange juice factory, but I couldn’t concentrate so they canned me.

Twenty million people are overweight. These, of course, are round figures.

The Psychic Friends Network has filed for bankruptcy. They say they never saw it coming.

Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan.

Now that congress is abolishing the marriage tax, they will be increasing the sin tax.

Make headlines, use a corduroy pillow.

People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.

Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound.

The first scientists who studied fog were mystified

Some are wise and some otherwise

I’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

“By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.” -Robert Frost

“The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

“In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.” -Benjamin Franklin

“Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which we will not put.” -Winston Churchill

“Don’t you like to write [e-mail]? I do because it’s such a swell way to keep from working and yet feel you’ve done something.” -Ernest Hemingway

“The absent are never without fault, nor the present without excuse.” -Benjamin Franklin

“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?” -Albert Einstein

“Whenever I hear any one arguing for slavery I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.” -Abraham Lincoln

“I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago… I shot my broker.” -Groucho Marx

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.” -Groucho Marx

“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” -Mark Twain

“Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.” -Mark Twain

“If you can’t sleep, try lying on the end of the bed. Then you might drop off.” -Mark Twain

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” -Mark Twain

“A long dispute means that both parties are wrong.” -Voltaire

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” -Yogi Berra

“I don’t want to make the wrong mistake.” -Yogi Berra

“A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.” -Yogi Berra

“Any fool can make a rule and every fool will mind it.” -Henry David Thoreau

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” -Groucho Marx

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

That was Zen. This is Tao.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it’s just the opposite.

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

Television: A medium, so called because it is neither rare nor well done.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Some poems rhyme. But this one doesn’t.

I think we are in for a bad spell of wether.

There’s no saint without a past and no sinner without a future

“Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forgo.” -Ambrose Bierce

“The difference between Republicans and Democrats is like the difference between syphilis and gonorrhea.” -Rita Mae Brown

“The mark of a good conspiracy theory is its untestability.” -Andrew Spring

You can no more take something off the Internet than take pee out of a pool.

“Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the signal.” -Dwight D. Eisenhower

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Linux: Saving us all from the Gates of Hell

I know that life isn’t fair, but why is it never unfair in my favor?

“If we do not succeed then we run the risk of failure.” -Dan Quayle

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.

For every complex problem, there is a solution which is simple, neat, and wrong

“I hate quotations.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

“There is no such thing as a learned man, only a learning one.” -Ezra Pound

Que sera serf: Life is feudal.

“Sure thing, man, I used to be a laboratory myself once.” -Keith Richards on being asked to autograph a fan’s school chemistry book

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Never play leap frog with a unicorn.

God is real, unless declared integer.

Linux, the choice of a GNU generation

“Football combines two of the worst things about American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.” -George Will

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.

To err is human, to purr feline.

Cogito ergo spud. I think, therefore I yam.

“The most exciting phrase in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka’ but ‘that’s funny'” -Isaac Asimov

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Thought of the day: On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Real programmers don’t comment. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Windows: Just another pane in the glass

2 + 2 = 5 for large values of 2

The mission of the Department of Redundancy Department is to stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

Diplomacy: the art of letting someone have your way

If at first you do succeed, try not to look surprised.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

“I’ve never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documentation, and if there was, I’d kill him to get him out of the gene pool.” -Joseph Costello, former president of Cadence

“It’s getting late earlier.” -Yogi Berra

Let’s burn that bridge when we come to it.

“Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once.” -Albert Einstein

“Work is the curse of the drinking class.” -Oscar Wilde

Beauty is but skin deep, ugly to the bone. Beauty dies and fades away, but ugly holds its own.

Beauty is skin deep but wealth runs throughout.

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” -Leo, 7

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Support your right to bare arms. Wear short sleeves.

Don’t keep such an open mind that your brain falls out.

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

“The true Republic: men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less.” -Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906) Motto printed on the front of her suffrage newspaper

“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.” -11 year old’s science exam

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.” -11 year old’s science exam

“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.” -11 year old’s science exam

“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.” -11 year old’s science exam

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water” -11 year old’s science exam

“When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.” -11 year old’s science exam

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination.” -Andrew Lang (1844-1912), Scottish author

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

Why are they called apartments when they’re all stuck together?

Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why do they put Braille dots on the key pads of the drive-up ATM machine?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

“When I give a man an office, I watch him carefully to see whether he is swelling or growing.” -Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924)

“I don’t know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.” -Abraham Lincoln (1809-65)

“When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.” -Thomas Paine (1737-1809), Common Sense, ch 4 (1776)

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” -Lily Tomlin

“Blues is easy to play, but hard to feel.” -Jimi Hendrix (1942-70)

“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” -Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem, pal.

“All publicity is good, except an obituary notice.” -Brendan Behan (1923-64), Irish playwright

“My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.” -Benjamin Disraeli (1804-81)

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

“Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.” -Samuel Palmer

“The president has kept all the promises he intended to keep.” -George Stephanopolous

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” -Australian Cabinet Minister Keppel Enderbery

“The Police are not here to create disorder, they’re here to preserve disorder.” -Chicago Mayor Daley

“Obviously crime pays, or there’d be no crime.” -G. Gordon Liddy

“All I know is I’m not a Marxist.” -Karl Marx

“The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down.” -Rush Limbaugh

Straight A students are up to know good.

Edison thought a watt about electricity

“The less you know about home computers, the more you’ll want the new IBM PS/1.” -An IBM ad

Those who think they know everything are irritating to those of us who do.

“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.” -Carol Leifer

“Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.” -Steve Bluestone

“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.” -Jackie Gleason

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” -Rita Rudner

A skeleton walks into a the bar. He orders a drink and a mop.

Ignorance is temporary, stupidity is forever.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Cry hammock, and let slip the dogs of work.

Without C we’d have to program in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Real programmers use ‘COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE’

ASCII stupid questions and you’ll get stupid ANSI.

186,282 miles per second, not just a good idea, it’s the law.

“For the majority of people, smoking has a beneficial effect.” -Dr. Ian G. MacDonald, 1963

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” -Irving Fisher, Yale University 1929

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” -Decca Recording Co., 1962, rejecting the Beatles

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” -H. M. Warner, Warner Bros., 1927

“640k ought to be enough for anybody.” -Bill Gates, 1981

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” -Ken Olson, president and founder of DEC, 1977

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” -Popular Mechanics, 1949

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” -Thomas Watson, chariman of IBM, 1943

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” -Charles H. Duell, U.S. Patent Office, 1899

“Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can’t remember where they leave things.” -Frank Zappa

When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.

Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from two, it’s research

“You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” -Al Capone (1899-1947)

“If I were two faced, would I be wearing this one? -Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

“In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite” -Paul Dirac (1902-1984)

“The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.” -Neils Bohr (1885-1962)

“Any man who is under 30 and is not a liberal has no heart; and any man that is over 30 and is not a conservative has no brains.” -Winston Churchill

“Egotist: A person more interested in himself than in me.” -Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” -Albert Einstein

“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.” -Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

“Either you’re part of the solution or you’re part of the precipitate.” -Steven Wright

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx

“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.” -Groucho Marx

“Time wounds all heels.” -Groucho Marx

“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.” -Groucho Marx

“I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” -Groucho Marx

“The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.” -Dizzy Dean, after being hit on the head in the ’34 World Series

“Are you any relation to your brother Marv?” -Leon Wood, NJ Nets guard to a TV commentator

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” -Winston Bennett, U of KY bball forward

“Think today’s interest rates are high? The Pilgrims borrowed $7000 from a London company of 70 investors in 1620 and devoted the next 23 years to repaying it at 43 percent.” -L. M. Boyd

“It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.” -Mark Twain

“Gun control means hitting the target. Crime control means identifying, arresting, prosecuting, and imprisoning with due process of law.” -Tom Clancy

“An unsupervised teenager with a modem is just as dangerous as an unsupervised teenager with a gun.” -Gail Thackeray, Asst. State Attorney, AZ

“I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.” -Solomon Short

The word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’

“I’ve always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.” -Lawrence Summers, World Bank chief economist explaining why we should export toxic waste

“The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.” -Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

“He didn’t say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech.” -Richard Darman, director of OMB (explaining why Bush wasn’t following up on campaign pledge to preserve wetlands)

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” -Marion Barry

“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.” -David Dinkens, NYC mayor (when accused of failing to pay his income taxes)

“We’re working on getting rid of unnecessary regulations and making them more sensible.” -Bill Clinton

“You are not thinking. You are merely being logical.” -Neils Bohr to Albert Einstein

“A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.” -Teddy Roosevelt

“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.” -Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I’m not kidding about Ted Kennedy. How many sixty-year olds do you know who still go to Florida for spring break?” -Pat Buchanan

The earth is like a grain of sand only much, much, much bigger.

“Gaiety is the outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.” -Josef Stalin

I’m not as think as you drunk I am

If pros and cons are opposites, what’s the opposite of progress?

“Physics is knowing when to approximate sin(t)=t.” -David Delchamps

“Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.” -Albert Einstein

“You have to have at least one pervert per show or you can’t survive out there.” -Phil Donahue

“Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.” -Samuel Johnson

“Where else but in Washington could they call the department that’s in charge of everything outside and out-of-doors the Department of the Interior.” -Ronald Reagan

“All over the world the power of communism is being threatened, from Poland to China to Massachusetts.” -Mark Russell

“The middle of the road is where the white line is, and that’s the worst place to drive.” -Robert Frost

If electricity comes from electrons, then where does morality come from?

“You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists.” -Abbie Hoffman

“We should never forget that everything Adolph Hitler did in Germany was legal and everything the Hungarian Freedom Fighters did in Hungary was illegal.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

“Wise men talk because they have something to say, fools talk because they have to say something.” -Plato

You can not push yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are 180 degrees between the freezing and boiling temperature of water. There are 180 degrees between north and south. Coincidence?

“If Republicans stop telling lies about the Democrats we will stop telling the truth about them.” -Adlai Stevenson

“The art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class and giving it to another.” -Voltaire

Even God cannot alter the past, but historians can

“Today’s Democrat spends money like a drunken sailor. Only that’s not fair to drunken sailors. At least they spend their own money.” -Ronald Reagan

Committee: A group of people who keep minutes and waste hours

Ignorance doesn’t kill you, but it makes you sweat a lot.

“I will feel quality has arrived when we can elect to office women who are as incompetent as some of the men who are already there.” -Maureen Reagan

“The mistake a lot of politicians make is forgetting they’ve been appointed and thinking they’ve been anointed.” -Ms. Claude Pepper

“Sometimes I think we’re alone in the universe, and sometimes I think we’re not. In either case, the idea is quite staggering.” -Arthur C. Clarke

“What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight — it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” -Mark Twain (1835-1910)

There are not enough hours in a day but too many days until Saturday.

The bigger a man’s head gets the easier it is to fill his shoes

“That Edison or Lincoln could have been Edison or Lincoln after four years of Harvard is improbable.” -Arthur Brisbane

“Politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game… and dumb enough to think it’s important.” -Eugene McCarthy

“We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole country and put parking stripes on it, and still be home by Christmas.” -Ronald Regan

“Television news is to journalism as bumper stickers are to philosophy.” -Richard Nixon

“A text, out of context, is a pretext.” -Jesse Jackson

“In Libya, we have banned wrestling and boxing because they are violent sports. How can we support terrorism when we have banned wrestling and boxing?” -M. Khadaffi

My only flaw is arrogance

“Ancestry is important to those who have done nothing themselves.” -Louis L’Amour

“People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.” -Hobart Brown

“For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.” -Johnny Carson

“Blues isn’t about being happy, it’s about making other people sad.” -Bleeding Gums Murphy (The Simpsons)

A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged. A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested.

The problem with being punctual is that there’s no one there to appreciate it.

“Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?” -Peg Bracken

“Problems are opportunities in work clothes.” -Henry Kissinger

“McGovern couldn’t carry the South if Rhett Butler were his running mate.” -Sprio Agnew

“I’ve had a tough time learning how to act like a congressman. Today I accidentally spent some of my own money.” -Joseph Kennedy

“History’s no easy subject. Even in my day it wasn’t, and we had so much less of it to learn.” -Ronald Reagan

Post hole digger is the only profession in which you start at the top and work down.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Light travels faster than sound which explains why some people appear bright until they start talking.

“I have often thought that if there had been a good rap group around in those days, I might have chosen a new career in music instead of politics.” -Richard Nixon

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” -Henry Kissinger

“Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.” -John F. Kennedy

“Let each of us ask not just what government can do for me but what I can do for myself.” -Richard Nixon

“Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?” -Jules Feiffer

“The most popular labor saving device is still money.” -Phyllis George

“Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.” -Billie Burke

If women can sleep their way to the top then we have an epidemic of insomnia

“You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.” -Jeanette Rankin

“It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.” -Mamie Van Doren

“I’ve been on a calendar but never on time.” -Marilyn Monroe

“You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” -Dolly Parton

“They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.” -Garrison Keillor

One death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

“The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to deal with: sudden death.” -Michael Phelps M.D.

“Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.” -Plato

When told, ‘I have a bet that I can make you say three words,’ Calvin Coolidge replied, “You lose.”

“No one can give you better advice than yourself.” -Cicero “The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.” -Oscar Wilde

“I disapprove of what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” -Voltaire

“The coldest winter I ever spent was summer in San Francisco.” -Mark Twain

“There are ten million interesting people in New York and only seventy-eight in Los Angeles.” -Neil Simon

“Republicans believe every day is the 4th of July but Democrats believe every day is April 15th.” -Ronald Reagan

“The sexual revolution is over and the microbes won.” -P. J. O’Rourke

“You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.” -Abe Lincoln (1809-65)

“We’ve all been blessed with God-given talents. Mine just happens to be beating up people.” -Sugar Ray Leonard

“Free speech is the right to shout ‘theater’ in a crowded fire.” -Abbie Hoffman

“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.” -Alfred Hitchcock

An empty bag can not stand upright

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” -Albert Einstein

Young men think old men are fools but old men know young men are fools.

“You can always tell a Harvard man but you can’t tell him much.” -James Barnes

Few plan to fail but many fail to plan.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

You must believe in free will.

A Harvard study shows that 79% of people trust statistics and 93% when they are attributed to a trusted source.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on…

5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.

“The physician can bury his mistakes but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines.” -Frank Lloyd Wright

You can’t spell GEEK without a double E

The first two laws of thermodynamics: 1) You can’t win, you can only break even 2) You can’t break even